1850 BROADCAST

The BEEPING of a telegraph.

TOM: And now it is time to dedicate this portion of the show to the reading of a telegraph, conveyed to this very station contemporaneous with this broadcast, and kindly translated into words by Kenneth. This telegraph was sent by a Doctor Taylor, and it reads thusly: (READS) “Sirs—several days ago I had the occasion to come to town on business. It will come as no surprise to you that I found it nearly impossible to situate my buggy, there being such a paucity of such conveniences in Chapel Hill.”

JOHN: No surprise indeed, good doctor! An impediment that seems will never be addressed.

TOM: (READING) “Alas, this was the least of my troubles. My perambulations of the boardwalk had scarcely begun when I was knocked down bodily by a student on a cyclical conveyance. As there were ladies present, I was able to collapse in such a way that recalled Nelson’s Death at Trafalgar, the painting of which so nobly idealizes a violent end.  As a result of this collision I suffered some injury to my foreleg, which causes me discomfort to this day.”

JOHN: By my whiskers and beard! Are we truly alone in the Universe?

TOM: (READING) “By the angle of the sun I was able to surmise that the student sat upon this cycle some eleven feet high, and that it was the very same type of so-called “bike” used by many of these ne’er-do-wells to dash heedlessly up and down mountains to the neglect of their moral, social, and academic responsibilities.”

JOHN: It had to be said.

TOM: (READING) “It also bears mentioning that my wife, who is the very soul of fragile feminine sensitivity, fainted clean away at the very moment of my injury whilst attending to her wifely duties at our abode several miles away!”

JOHN: A most remarkable creature! A paradigm of Womanhood!

TOM: (READING) “Because of the egregious nature of my accident, she collapsed upon the Fainting Couch with such force that one of the legs snapped off, causing me the added insult of its repair.”

JOHN: Surely it was the divine hand of Providence that guided her to the Fainting Couch at so fateful a moment! Imagine the alternative!

TOM: Indeed, it is too abhorrent to contemplate! I shall continue reading: (READS) “The student did not pause, but continued on his way with insolent alacrity. I called out a rebuke, and he answered with such an oath that to even divulge to you gentlemen the number of letters contained therein would secure me an eternity of punishment!”

JOHN: An outrage!

TOM: (READING) “Indeed, the blasphemous nature of the student’s curse caused a mass fainting of ladies along the length and breadth of Franklin Street; their prostrate forms strewn about like so much straw upon a newly-seeded field. Although one tries to resist the vulgarity of overstatement, it can truly be said that the watchword of students at the university is drunkenness, and their countersign calumny! I send this telegraph to you gentlemen, not to publicly complain of my injury, but to ask of you to find a proper quotation from the Bible that would adequately express my victimization and desire for righteous vengeance. With sincerest best wishes, et cetera, I am very truly yours, Dr. James Taylor.”

JOHN: Sir, you may rely upon us to have that citation for next week’s Broadcast. I can already think of several from the Book of Consequences.